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Saturday, September 1, 2012

The summer came quick and left just as fast

<p>This has been one hectic summer! Lets start at the beginning shall we? The beginning where I told my husband Goodbye not once but twice on the morning he hopped on a sub and sailed away from me! Bon voyage! Farewell! Happy sailing my love! It was a tough morning and I didn't get to drive him to the base, which turned out to be a complete and total blessing. I would not have been able to drive away. I had a kind of rough low June I cried and cried and cried A LOT. In fact I don't remember much that I can claim as productive in the month of June or May. Oh okay I just had to check my facebook timeline to come up with the memory of what went on in June how sad! hahah! In the month of June I came up with doing A month long photo challenge with the ladies in my family everyday was the theme of a different photo to take or post. We were pretty into it and I enjoyed getting creative with the "subjects" of the challenges, however we kept it going in to July and August and my attention span just did not hold! It was still fun seeing what everyone else was posting but I'd see the subjects and lose inspiration quickly, you'll come to know why here in a few moments ;)Alright Let's get back to June, at the end of June my loving mother came to visit. BLESS her for making this trip! She was with me through my birthday and it was great! July was a big mess of awesome. While it was no fun swaying good bye to my mom things quickly progressed from ann idea based on the encouraging suggestion of my incredible sister! A business opportunity in the form of a passion I have had for much of my life! Art parties! From early July I began to arrange sans wrap my brain around the idea of forming this business in our home. It was a difficult decision to make with out the presence nor the communication with Jessr. This was a huge idea a huge choice to be made but I spent all of July planning comp shopping three best prices and arranging for a street fair to kick off the beginnings of my new business! I was hoping to get more out of the street fair and I was hoping business would puck up immediately but while I knew it would be a slow build I had hoped to get more interest. I'll not giving up though! I have plans to make this work if nothing else just for fun! :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Girls Night Out

Very recently I went into the city to celebrate a long time friend's birthday. It was a late night the night before followed with an early morning and a Melatonin  induced nap. Needless to say the day began groggy and beyond bewildered. I was in dire need of new clothes to wear, lets say if I had to pack for a week long trip I could probably almost fill a backpack and then have space left over. I don't enjoy shopping for clothes, ridiculous weight gain and an avoidance of mirrors have led me to this shopping discomfort. I wake from a short deep slumber to quickly shower and rush off to the mall where I find a pair of capris after a fast and furious attack on every pair of remotely attractive jeans, denim shorts and obviously capris. Luckliy Target hasn't lost all taste in style and had some quite cute things to choose from so I scored there as well. In between I stopped at Sephora a moment to just soak up the memory of lost passion for make up and all things "beauty" related. Just as I was about to head out the door I was snagged by an employee and long story short I ended up getting a make over that made my skin glow and my eyes bright. I was so surprised at the transformation. What a treat! Happy point number one! Happy point number two was how quickly I was in and out of Target and with success! Happy point number 3 came after a mad dash home to change, attend to the dogs, and grab some food, where I learned one our favorite burger joints gives free drinks to military! woohoo! It wasn't just the shopping success or the free cola that made me feel like the sun was shining just for me, but it was a gorgeous day, I felt great with my glowy make over, people were very cheerful and nice to me and I just felt incredibly happy! I nibbled on my chicken wrap and popped my head phones in for an incredibly pleasant Ferry ride. Since I was already feeling pretty and girly I decided to braid my bangs and  the rest of my hair into three sections and twisted it up into a low updo. After the Ferry ride over to meet up with a friend we headed out to an area I'd never been to before, very clean and big! She treated us to  some coffee & explored the container store, before meeting up with two other ladies and having some delicious texy mexy dinner. It's so interesting the differences in food from the south and to hear people who aren't from the south describe our "cuisine" Like sweet tea, fried okra, fried pickles, bbq.. you get the idea. There was conversation flowing through the night and for once probably becaus eof my major happy boosts throughout the day I felt confident enough to join in and not shy away to the quiet background of the night. After dinner we went to my very first ever comedy club! We were fortunate enough to be seated at a VIP booth so we weren't cramped in to the tiny spaces they called tables! There were good jokes and there were bad jokes but all in all we had a great time! It was low key sure, but it was just the kind of girls night I could handle! Yay for girls night out and I can honestly say it was like medicine for the soul to be surrounded with kind people who are talkative and like to have a good time =)

Monday, May 21, 2012

Time to cry

I don't pretend to be on top of things for the total and complete lack there of actually being on top of things. I'm not on the bottom either rather somewhere in between. Its so unusual the places I find myself crying these days I can usually hold it together in public. Actually unless under extreme stress I never cry in public areas. However on a ferry ride I don't know how it happened I was sitting there surrounded by kids in prom dresses and I couldn't hold myself together I started bawling right there in front with a cool breeze filling the passenger cabin and way too many people staring at me. It hit me that this is the first actual big deployment and I was headed home to an empty house, a house in a state where I know maybe two or I guess rather three other people. I'm really trying hard these days not to dwell on anything especially the lonely factor. I know where my social anxiety stems from, I know how to "cure" it but there is no quick fix. And what's odd is the entire day had been uplifting until that point. I suppose it all had to come together at some point huh? Suddenly I can no longer think positively I just want to cry I need to let it out but I am another hour away from home, and so  I just caved to a few tears at first and then decided since writing things down had a soothing effect on me growing up I would write a letter explaining how utterly sad I was but then once the first few tears leaked out came a flood I tried to cover my face turn my entire body forward so as not to been seen by anyone but there was this set of older couples sprawled out in a booth seat across from me and I wiped my face and tried to breathe it out. I could feel eyes I knew I was being watched and sure enough after a few minutes there was a tap at my shoulder. Let me also note that upon feel the overwhelming sadness consume me, before I allowed the tears to escape, I jammed my ear buds in my ears tuned into the saddest slowest song I had downloaded and pulled my jacket hood over my head, slouched as far down in the seat as possible and just for good measure in case there was a tear storm I had thrown on my sunglasses (even though it was well into the wee hours of the night). Now before I began writing I did remove the hood, the sunglasses and even turned my music down so I could concentrate on sorting out why I was really feeling soo overwhelmed. I began to think in perspective here I am alone with a couple shopping bags that have been torn beaten to hell and now I've tried to hide my face behind my black jacket... while I'm crying... yup people probably think I've strapped a bomb to my body and this sucker's going down.. at that point it was necessary to refocus and  try to A) look less crazy HA! and B)Get to the source.. SO back to the tapping on my shoulder, this woman God knows what made her look in my direction but she sat there with me for pretty much the entire 30 minute boat ride explaining how her family is all over  some in texas some over seas for non militant reasons just their own reasons, and assured me the only way she made it through knowing that her family would be okay was that she had hope and faith in God and He pulled her through. I sat there only listening not responding, the entire time. I didn't even know what to say to her. I didn't know how to handle it. I just wanted to say "hey lady I know God, I've been through some really tough times. I know I know. I know I should give it all to God. I just need to cry I need to get it out ya know just feel it and get it over" So I stopped crying and starting listening wishing the whole time that while I know she meant well and was really just being a good human being reaching out to me when she saw me hurting, but I needed that moment I needed to let it out. So then again today out of no where I'm shopping for groceries thinking wow how odd is this to shop for just me I can buy actual fruit and actual veggies! I can buy spinach!! And at no point did I look at the cookies that Jesse loves more than anything hahha. But there I was again zoning out and suddenly hit with an overwhelming sense of sadness and longing for my wonderful husband. I held myself together until I pulled in the driveway, I even tried to make phone calls to get my mind rolling onto something else, but it didn't help. Can I let you in on a little secret? Up until the day he left I was looking forward to this time to get strong and earn my own routine, to steady myself and explore and really just finally settle in here with friends and a job. The day he left was the first time I cried and even then I  cried because he cried not because I couldn't hold it together. I was Strong! I had a plan! And I'm sorry but seeing the tear in his eye and feeling his sadness just broke me and I held back as best I could. So here I am in the driveway all the neighbors are outside of course they are it's been gorgeous outside and that's usually spread out a lot more for our area. I hug the steering wheel and focus on Jesse. I focus on every physical feeling of a hug between us would feel like. I squeezed that steering wheel and I bawled. But only for a second. I wonder if this is the norm for Navy wives or if I'm just a wuss?  I mean these are separate instances and I'm not a big bawling mess ALL the time, but good gosh why is it so tough to be sturdy in public! So embarrassing! In my mind I'm strong but then there's this. The sadness. I feel like a weak Navy wife, but a strong wife wife. Jesse will not be burdened by my breakdowns I refuse to weigh that on him when he himself is having probably just as difficult a time knowing he won't be coming home to his sweet pups and loving wife every night. I reserve only filled with happy silly love dove flirty stuff to be sent to him! ;) gooey mushy corny love guts;) I feel close to him even though he's so far off in the unknown! I'm strong for him but weak for me? haha sheesh. This feeling will pass I'll gain my footing and all will be fine but in the  meanwhile wahhhhhh ;))

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day!

The first thing I did this morning when I woke up was skype with  my sister and mom. Two of the best Mothers in my life. I've had a lot of time to reflect on life, and the people who are in mine, as well as the people who were here and are no longer a physical presence. I think a misconception with mothers is the idea and expectations they not only have for themselves but also for their children and when things don't happen to be as peachy or perfect as planned in the beginning. Our mothers feel the blame, and until we've grown to know any better we put the blame there on our mothers and fathers.  For instance I myself have made many many wrong choices in my life bad decisions and made mistakes that I hadn't planned, but it's not my mother's fault. My mom shared her path with me, I watched my sister make her own decisions and build her life. I've watched them both stumble and pick themselves up with the strength God could  bless only a mother with, because after all motherhood is not just about yourself anymore you have to account for these other lives as well right? I have been opposed to birthing a child and even thought at one point I wouldn't ever have children, but somewhere along the line my harsh opinion has softened and whereas before the idea of being some one's mother, being that responsible, being THAT vulnerable just isn't so scary anymore. I look at my life and my sister's& see the bumps and triumphs we both have endured, and I think how proud my mother must be to have two such different and unique daughters. How humored she must be to watch us grow in our sisterhood, make one another giggle and hold the others hand when we've needed each other, and to have secrets, where in the past we were horrible to one another growing up. How sad she must feel when she knows one of us is hurting but there's not a thing she can do but let us know she loves us. And How strong she is to have to watch us do shameful and disappointing things to learn the lessons she wanted to shield us from. While we hurt she hurts deeper because she knew what the world was capable of and didn't want us to ever have to learn such a tough  lesson. Being a mom is a tough job. I can appreciate that. I don't have the experience or knowledge of motherhood, but I can tell my mom has always loved me and done what she thought was best. It's all a mother can do. I mean we've had our rough patches and if I could go back and not be an angsty teenager or young twenty yr old who fights with her mom, I wouldn't change a darn thing. I would fight with her just the same, because in the end it molded me into who I am. It makes me feel the discomfort of the memory of how horrible I was to her, and learn the appreciation I have now for how much my mom would put up with for me. Not to say I'd need to fight with my mom to appreciate her, I am just thankful for the healing and love I can give back to her now. I'm thankful she taught me that when I have my own kids and they are the BIGGEST brat in the world I can argue with them and still stick by them. It's all a lesson. I don't know if my mom and my sister will ever stop teaching me.  My mom is a strong strong woman and I'm so very thankful for her. I only hope that my kid(s) won't put me through too much haha but if they do maybe I will be able to handle it like my mom! The relationship with my mom is a prize I couldn't imagine if I had never grown to understand how selfish and self centered we are as young ones or if I'd just held on to that angst., how awful that would be! haha. I wish every mother was as loving and understanding and flexible as my mother! I have such a great family. I am a lucky girl. Happy Mother's day everyone!

ps- do yourself a favor and go to today! you never know you may share secret with someone ;)

Friday, April 27, 2012

Chummy Chicken But Not Chicken Chum

This weekend as my husband and I alternated turns mowing the backyard and front lawn, we had a little visitor making her way curiously over. Our neighbors have a grab bag of animals and pets in their yard which is fenced in, but one little chicken has found her way out & become fond of our yard and well begging us for crackers. I have named her Etta. Etta can usually be seen all over our yard and also ventures out to the occasional other neighbors (insert "chicken crossing the road" joke here) . Now as I stood around jamming to tunes with my flashy pink ear buds waiting for Jesse to tag me in to a round of Team Ritty vs lawn mower,(this thing coughs, sputters, and wheezes. Its on life support and by this time has died and come back at least 35 times) Etta is "bawk bawk bawking" at me. I look down at her and realize yes I've become a bit attached to this little feathery friend, and laugh at the thought of being friends with a chicken! But then something profound swarms my mind, well that or really I'd just been out in the sun for too long. Etta and I have a perfect friendship I know what she expects me to feed her and kindly do so which drives her to come back for more. While I know this foul is food motivated I look beyond that and feel a kinship to the little critter. She comes waddling over and I give her what she wants, maybe not right away but she knows as long as she hangs around she can rely on me. Today she was being a bit pushy but probably because she didn't want to get eaten by the lawnmower! I've not fallen into some silly snow white fairy tale I know she's not going to bring me my slippers or listen to me sing... well she might. ;) The bird wants food, and I give it to her. No more no less. It's so simple. I don't feel obligated to feed her I just do. Etta has it right no obligation just good friendly vibes. On that note I have to say I NEED to get out more.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Being a Navy Wife minus the kids

This may be a bit of a controversial subject but I feel compelled to shine a spot light on it. There's tons of  obvious support out there for Navy wives who are moms  ie play groups, facebook groups, many many articles online and otherwise, I've noticed with the few FRG meetings I've been able to attend the focus shifts and a good bit of the topic spreads over kids and activities for the kids, you get the idea. But how about spouses who go through deployments, underways, lonely holidays who don't have children to keep them busy? Especially those who's circumstances don't allow them to hold a job for the moment? Go ahead Google Stay At Home Navy Wife.... See there? Most of it contains the word MOM(S). As a childless Navy wife I find it frustrating and heartbreaking that unless I have a child or children I have to dig deep for information on how to maintain my sanity, make friends, or just all around cope.
  I am a Navy Wife, a proud one, but before being married to a military man I've never had any other exposure to that type of life unless you count friends in school who had grown up around the military. In the past year I've found myself adjusting constantly. Adjusting to having enough friends to hang out with you could count on your your thumb and pointer finger and not need to count further, adjusting to missing my parents, the life of my nephews and niece as they grow to be spectacular beings, adjusting to loneliness as a constant instead of a visiting and passing moment, adjusting to different cultures and economical changes of my new homes, adjusting to keep myself from going absolutely insane as I've not worked in over a year, adjusting to having my husband gone from my side and not knowing where he is let alone allowed to tell anyone "oh hey my husband is leaving now I'm going to need your support for the next ??-??? amount of days please help me stay sane and fight ultimate loneliness thanks!", adjusting to having relationships with my family & friends via cell phone and thank GOD for skype! There's alot of adjustment that has been done in the past 400+ days and 5,000 miles.. Just saying.
  Please don't get me wrong I don't want to discriminate on those wives who do have children I'm just venting about the fact that A) I don't have kids so its far more difficult to find common ground to build a friendship on that doesn't revolve around children children children B)When My husband goes out to sea I don't have a carbon copy of him and myself to snuggle up to and kiss goodnight, I have an empty bed, an empty house, and nothing to keep me occupied and unfortunately the first few days if not weeks I try to fill that void with tears and happy memories and things I should improve on to be a better wife upon his return, C) I don't drink or party a lot, that time in my life has past and thank the LORD for giving me the good sense to know enough is enough because I'd much rather keep my liver and not drown my sorrows in vodka and beer while my husband is off to sea (or while he's here haha), he does not need to elevate his concern for my personal health and safety while he is out protecting our beautiful country. D) Now this bullet point may seem pointed and mean really though I don't mean for it to, it's just a common occurrence I've noticed has happened with every single Navy family I have come to adore, because I am a childless Navy wife and have free time does not mean I want to be the babysitter, I want to love kids, I adore them because they are unique and yours and fascinating. But I have never been good with them, once the parents are gone I'm terrified! What rules do I enforce? am I fun? Do I implement time out or "go to the corner"? How do I entertain your child while you are gone? What can and can I not say to them? What are some activities I can do with them? Truth be told I am scared of children. That is simply why I don't have my own. I had to yell at my nephews during Christmas. I sent  them to their rooms while I went outside to breath a moment and have a break down. I bawled my eyes out because now I was no longer cool Aunt Bobo, who's husband is in the military and has come so so so far for a visit, no now I'm aunt Bobo who is mean. I can't handle that. When I do grow a pair of lady balls and have my own children I will obviously outgrow this, but until then long periods alone with someone else's bundle of joy makes me so uncomfortable and nervous. This goes for fur babies too although I'd much rather sit with your gerbil than your child because at least then I know it can't escape it's cage and I can drop food and water without worrying it might get free or my dogs might eat it. E) I deserve support! We as wives who have decided that waiting to have kids until we have settled in and feel comfortable with the idea of a family need support! We wives who have decided that partying and drinking just isn't for us, WE deserve support! We deserve a freaking medal actually because if you know anything about the Navy and I assume most branches of the military, actually abstaining from alcohol consumption is a big deal.
 My point is if I can't find the support I need maybe there's a way for me to start something here? Maybe my need and my search can help other childless wives? Because it can be difficult. SO so difficult.
 I joked a few months ago that maybe there should be a MATCH.COM for military wives but hey maybe that's what we do really need? I could use any friend right now, with the sole purpose of friendship. Doesn't have to be a military wife.. It's just with all of the adjustments in 2011-2012 I've been trying to fit myself into where I belong and how can I make friends but I seem to be short one or two of two things a taste for alcohol or a child. And not that it's not in my future because certainly if God blessed me with a Belly bean I would be so excited to start this new adventure but in the mean time.... *sigh* Well I guess we'll just see!

Awfully long time with out posts I need to be up on my game!

I began this post on  4/14/12 Here we are in Kingston Washington. We love Washington thus far, its gorgeous, people are friendly, there's more green than concrete here, there are rednecks here so it almost feels homey, there are clear boundaries from work, home, the big city (without being too far), and neighbors, and it's pleasant regardless of the cloudiness and gloomy rain well and aside from being ridiculously far from home.

   My mother's birthday is approaching, this upcoming Monday and earlier in the week she'd asked me if I wanted to come see her. I'm certain she asked this because she love me and misses me, but it wasn't until after we'd gotten off the phone that it smacked me in the face like a brick that maybe she wanted me to come in for her birthday. So last night  I dreamed Jesse and I booked a flight, got on a plane and flew in simple as that. Oh how I wish it were so easy! Unfortunately it's not a good time. But I know My sister and my folks will be having a birthday lunch for my mom, it's become our own little family tradition and I can't help but be nostalgic and also a wee bit green with jealousy. But we did super great with her gift. We were really excited about it!
The gift was a joint effort, we created a sunny happy picture with finger prints foot prints and paw prints. Since Jesse and I have no kids we decided to use ourselves and our pups, we contributed the sky (sun and clouds) from paw prints and used our thumbs for ants, My sister and her family completed the picture with the use of fists for the grass, sweet little feet with pink bottoms and blue toes for the butterfly and fingers and hands to display colorful flowers. We also recorded a virtual birthday car for her using my sister's phone she recorded her and her family singing happy birthday while Jesse and I sang from the laptop via skype! Technology is a wonderful thing! Even though I was 3,000 miles away I felt like I was a part of this family celebration. As my mom opened and reviewed her gifts my sister recorded her for me. We were so proud of how great everything came together and while it may seem simple to other people the gift and celebration as a whole was straight from our hearts. In our family a gift from the heart is worth more than any amount gold or diamonds, family and love are the real deal and can get your further than anything else. As we'd hoped mom absolutely LOVED her birthday and as they ahem *we* celebrated a bit early on Saturday night, I could tell it tickled her on through until Monday her actual birthday ;)

  With all of that being said, if you knew me you'd know that as of lately I've been an anxious ball of darkness and frowns. Working on that though, thankfully! It takes a lot of working myself up to make decisions to act on something or speak up sometimes. Which hasn't always been the case, I've had my fair share of big carless mouthness. Within the last year or so though I worry about my actions and words and their consequences far more than one person should worry and usually at the wrong times too. When I really should worry about my actions or words it goes the other way and I don't even notice until the moment has passed. My Mamaw a wonderful wonderful lady and inspiration to me personally has not been with us for several years now. When she was though you could expect a phone call and a birthday song every birthday, every child, grandchild, great grand and so on. She was amazing, loving and still tough, creative and still organized enough. Since her passing birthday calls have become sparse and depressingly empty, my papaw sort of dropped the ball. Maybe it's too painful for him to recall the happy times or maybe his old age has allowed his memory to slip or maybe just too many feeling have been hurt and he doesn't know how to cope. I don't know but I do know this man has been in my life my whole life and I still want him, he's mine whether he remembers or not. I cherish the memories and summers he and my mamaw gave us as kids and that just cannot be tarnished no matter how far away he seems these days regardless of physical location, I'm speaking emotion and family here. With out a second thought on my mother's birthday I woke up immediately called her and cheerfully sang happy birthday into her voicemail (she was at work). I hung up thought for all of thirty seconds and knew exactly what I needed to do. I dialed my Papaw's phone number (keeping in mind I've not talked to this man in a very long time). We spoke for a bit I told him about life in Washington, he asked about my pups and I asked about his "new" wife, he mentioned something about how she was a year older and just had a birthday so of course I mentioned it was moms birthday and how I didn't realize my Aunt's bday was exactly a week later and asked if he'd talked to her yet, we talked a bit more and that was that. Thankfully he got the clue and gave her call UNFORTUNATELY the turkey told her we had talked and gave it away. Pbbbt. Oh well. Still I believe a successful birthday.

  On a side note Wednesday was my favorite day this week. Full sunshiny days are rare here, I didn't watch a lick of Grey's Anatomy (my new obsession) I stayed outside reading and feeding the neighbors' chicken, chit chatting with the neighbors and a short trip to library to drop off and pick up! Now if only we can get some more sunshine!

Revelations Everyday post meant to be published 2/22/12

This last year has been so long but gone by with the quickness. Much has changed, location, distance from home, climate, pets, you get the idea. I'm used to a fast paced everyday life, a job to go to, friends to hang out with, a house to keep clean, dishes to maintain, dogs to walk, these are things I not only had to do but wanted to do. Now I have all the time in the world and I just want to feel needed, like I'm contributing in some way.
 It seems that everyday at one point or another I get restless and have some idea or revelation pop into my head.
A lot of days it comes back to the same stuff, money bills, furniture we need or would love to upgrade, health, and how much I miss the people in my life back home, but not the actual location of said people. last month or so I had a revelation that I didn't want to go back to work, then this week everything about that thought makes me cringe.