Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Very recently I went into the city to celebrate a long time friend's birthday. It was a late night the night before followed with an early morning and a Melatonin induced nap. Needless to say the day began groggy and beyond bewildered. I was in dire need of new clothes to wear, lets say if I had to pack for a week long trip I could probably almost fill a backpack and then have space left over. I don't enjoy shopping for clothes, ridiculous weight gain and an avoidance of mirrors have led me to this shopping discomfort. I wake from a short deep slumber to quickly shower and rush off to the mall where I find a pair of capris after a fast and furious attack on every pair of remotely attractive jeans, denim shorts and obviously capris. Luckliy Target hasn't lost all taste in style and had some quite cute things to choose from so I scored there as well. In between I stopped at Sephora a moment to just soak up the memory of lost passion for make up and all things "beauty" related. Just as I was about to head out the door I was snagged by an employee and long story short I ended up getting a make over that made my skin glow and my eyes bright. I was so surprised at the transformation. What a treat! Happy point number one! Happy point number two was how quickly I was in and out of Target and with success! Happy point number 3 came after a mad dash home to change, attend to the dogs, and grab some food, where I learned one our favorite burger joints gives free drinks to military! woohoo! It wasn't just the shopping success or the free cola that made me feel like the sun was shining just for me, but it was a gorgeous day, I felt great with my glowy make over, people were very cheerful and nice to me and I just felt incredibly happy! I nibbled on my chicken wrap and popped my head phones in for an incredibly pleasant Ferry ride. Since I was already feeling pretty and girly I decided to braid my bangs and the rest of my hair into three sections and twisted it up into a low updo. After the Ferry ride over to meet up with a friend we headed out to an area I'd never been to before, very clean and big! She treated us to some coffee & explored the container store, before meeting up with two other ladies and having some delicious texy mexy dinner. It's so interesting the differences in food from the south and to hear people who aren't from the south describe our "cuisine" Like sweet tea, fried okra, fried pickles, bbq.. you get the idea. There was conversation flowing through the night and for once probably becaus eof my major happy boosts throughout the day I felt confident enough to join in and not shy away to the quiet background of the night. After dinner we went to my very first ever comedy club! We were fortunate enough to be seated at a VIP booth so we weren't cramped in to the tiny spaces they called tables! There were good jokes and there were bad jokes but all in all we had a great time! It was low key sure, but it was just the kind of girls night I could handle! Yay for girls night out and I can honestly say it was like medicine for the soul to be surrounded with kind people who are talkative and like to have a good time =)
Monday, May 21, 2012
I don't pretend to be on top of things for the total and complete lack there of actually being on top of things. I'm not on the bottom either rather somewhere in between. Its so unusual the places I find myself crying these days I can usually hold it together in public. Actually unless under extreme stress I never cry in public areas. However on a ferry ride I don't know how it happened I was sitting there surrounded by kids in prom dresses and I couldn't hold myself together I started bawling right there in front with a cool breeze filling the passenger cabin and way too many people staring at me. It hit me that this is the first actual big deployment and I was headed home to an empty house, a house in a state where I know maybe two or I guess rather three other people. I'm really trying hard these days not to dwell on anything especially the lonely factor. I know where my social anxiety stems from, I know how to "cure" it but there is no quick fix. And what's odd is the entire day had been uplifting until that point. I suppose it all had to come together at some point huh? Suddenly I can no longer think positively I just want to cry I need to let it out but I am another hour away from home, and so I just caved to a few tears at first and then decided since writing things down had a soothing effect on me growing up I would write a letter explaining how utterly sad I was but then once the first few tears leaked out came a flood I tried to cover my face turn my entire body forward so as not to been seen by anyone but there was this set of older couples sprawled out in a booth seat across from me and I wiped my face and tried to breathe it out. I could feel eyes I knew I was being watched and sure enough after a few minutes there was a tap at my shoulder. Let me also note that upon feel the overwhelming sadness consume me, before I allowed the tears to escape, I jammed my ear buds in my ears tuned into the saddest slowest song I had downloaded and pulled my jacket hood over my head, slouched as far down in the seat as possible and just for good measure in case there was a tear storm I had thrown on my sunglasses (even though it was well into the wee hours of the night). Now before I began writing I did remove the hood, the sunglasses and even turned my music down so I could concentrate on sorting out why I was really feeling soo overwhelmed. I began to think in perspective here I am alone with a couple shopping bags that have been torn beaten to hell and now I've tried to hide my face behind my black jacket... while I'm crying... yup people probably think I've strapped a bomb to my body and this sucker's going down.. at that point it was necessary to refocus and try to A) look less crazy HA! and B)Get to the source.. SO back to the tapping on my shoulder, this woman God knows what made her look in my direction but she sat there with me for pretty much the entire 30 minute boat ride explaining how her family is all over some in texas some over seas for non militant reasons just their own reasons, and assured me the only way she made it through knowing that her family would be okay was that she had hope and faith in God and He pulled her through. I sat there only listening not responding, the entire time. I didn't even know what to say to her. I didn't know how to handle it. I just wanted to say "hey lady I know God, I've been through some really tough times. I know I know. I know I should give it all to God. I just need to cry I need to get it out ya know just feel it and get it over" So I stopped crying and starting listening wishing the whole time that while I know she meant well and was really just being a good human being reaching out to me when she saw me hurting, but I needed that moment I needed to let it out. So then again today out of no where I'm shopping for groceries thinking wow how odd is this to shop for just me I can buy actual fruit and actual veggies! I can buy spinach!! And at no point did I look at the cookies that Jesse loves more than anything hahha. But there I was again zoning out and suddenly hit with an overwhelming sense of sadness and longing for my wonderful husband. I held myself together until I pulled in the driveway, I even tried to make phone calls to get my mind rolling onto something else, but it didn't help. Can I let you in on a little secret? Up until the day he left I was looking forward to this time to get strong and earn my own routine, to steady myself and explore and really just finally settle in here with friends and a job. The day he left was the first time I cried and even then I cried because he cried not because I couldn't hold it together. I was Strong! I had a plan! And I'm sorry but seeing the tear in his eye and feeling his sadness just broke me and I held back as best I could. So here I am in the driveway all the neighbors are outside of course they are it's been gorgeous outside and that's usually spread out a lot more for our area. I hug the steering wheel and focus on Jesse. I focus on every physical feeling of a hug between us would feel like. I squeezed that steering wheel and I bawled. But only for a second. I wonder if this is the norm for Navy wives or if I'm just a wuss? I mean these are separate instances and I'm not a big bawling mess ALL the time, but good gosh why is it so tough to be sturdy in public! So embarrassing! In my mind I'm strong but then there's this. The sadness. I feel like a weak Navy wife, but a strong wife wife. Jesse will not be burdened by my breakdowns I refuse to weigh that on him when he himself is having probably just as difficult a time knowing he won't be coming home to his sweet pups and loving wife every night. I reserve only filled with happy silly love dove flirty stuff to be sent to him! ;) gooey mushy corny love guts;) I feel close to him even though he's so far off in the unknown! I'm strong for him but weak for me? haha sheesh. This feeling will pass I'll gain my footing and all will be fine but in the meanwhile wahhhhhh ;))
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The first thing I did this morning when I woke up was skype with my sister and mom. Two of the best Mothers in my life. I've had a lot of time to reflect on life, and the people who are in mine, as well as the people who were here and are no longer a physical presence. I think a misconception with mothers is the idea and expectations they not only have for themselves but also for their children and when things don't happen to be as peachy or perfect as planned in the beginning. Our mothers feel the blame, and until we've grown to know any better we put the blame there on our mothers and fathers. For instance I myself have made many many wrong choices in my life bad decisions and made mistakes that I hadn't planned, but it's not my mother's fault. My mom shared her path with me, I watched my sister make her own decisions and build her life. I've watched them both stumble and pick themselves up with the strength God could bless only a mother with, because after all motherhood is not just about yourself anymore you have to account for these other lives as well right? I have been opposed to birthing a child and even thought at one point I wouldn't ever have children, but somewhere along the line my harsh opinion has softened and whereas before the idea of being some one's mother, being that responsible, being THAT vulnerable just isn't so scary anymore. I look at my life and my sister's& see the bumps and triumphs we both have endured, and I think how proud my mother must be to have two such different and unique daughters. How humored she must be to watch us grow in our sisterhood, make one another giggle and hold the others hand when we've needed each other, and to have secrets, where in the past we were horrible to one another growing up. How sad she must feel when she knows one of us is hurting but there's not a thing she can do but let us know she loves us. And How strong she is to have to watch us do shameful and disappointing things to learn the lessons she wanted to shield us from. While we hurt she hurts deeper because she knew what the world was capable of and didn't want us to ever have to learn such a tough lesson. Being a mom is a tough job. I can appreciate that. I don't have the experience or knowledge of motherhood, but I can tell my mom has always loved me and done what she thought was best. It's all a mother can do. I mean we've had our rough patches and if I could go back and not be an angsty teenager or young twenty yr old who fights with her mom, I wouldn't change a darn thing. I would fight with her just the same, because in the end it molded me into who I am. It makes me feel the discomfort of the memory of how horrible I was to her, and learn the appreciation I have now for how much my mom would put up with for me. Not to say I'd need to fight with my mom to appreciate her, I am just thankful for the healing and love I can give back to her now. I'm thankful she taught me that when I have my own kids and they are the BIGGEST brat in the world I can argue with them and still stick by them. It's all a lesson. I don't know if my mom and my sister will ever stop teaching me. My mom is a strong strong woman and I'm so very thankful for her. I only hope that my kid(s) won't put me through too much haha but if they do maybe I will be able to handle it like my mom! The relationship with my mom is a prize I couldn't imagine if I had never grown to understand how selfish and self centered we are as young ones or if I'd just held on to that angst., how awful that would be! haha. I wish every mother was as loving and understanding and flexible as my mother! I have such a great family. I am a lucky girl. Happy Mother's day everyone!
ps- do yourself a favor and go to www.postsecret.com today! you never know you may share secret with someone ;)
ps- do yourself a favor and go to www.postsecret.com today! you never know you may share secret with someone ;)