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Friday, April 27, 2012

Chummy Chicken But Not Chicken Chum

This weekend as my husband and I alternated turns mowing the backyard and front lawn, we had a little visitor making her way curiously over. Our neighbors have a grab bag of animals and pets in their yard which is fenced in, but one little chicken has found her way out & become fond of our yard and well begging us for crackers. I have named her Etta. Etta can usually be seen all over our yard and also ventures out to the occasional other neighbors (insert "chicken crossing the road" joke here) . Now as I stood around jamming to tunes with my flashy pink ear buds waiting for Jesse to tag me in to a round of Team Ritty vs lawn mower,(this thing coughs, sputters, and wheezes. Its on life support and by this time has died and come back at least 35 times) Etta is "bawk bawk bawking" at me. I look down at her and realize yes I've become a bit attached to this little feathery friend, and laugh at the thought of being friends with a chicken! But then something profound swarms my mind, well that or really I'd just been out in the sun for too long. Etta and I have a perfect friendship I know what she expects me to feed her and kindly do so which drives her to come back for more. While I know this foul is food motivated I look beyond that and feel a kinship to the little critter. She comes waddling over and I give her what she wants, maybe not right away but she knows as long as she hangs around she can rely on me. Today she was being a bit pushy but probably because she didn't want to get eaten by the lawnmower! I've not fallen into some silly snow white fairy tale I know she's not going to bring me my slippers or listen to me sing... well she might. ;) The bird wants food, and I give it to her. No more no less. It's so simple. I don't feel obligated to feed her I just do. Etta has it right no obligation just good friendly vibes. On that note I have to say I NEED to get out more.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Being a Navy Wife minus the kids

This may be a bit of a controversial subject but I feel compelled to shine a spot light on it. There's tons of  obvious support out there for Navy wives who are moms  ie play groups, facebook groups, many many articles online and otherwise, I've noticed with the few FRG meetings I've been able to attend the focus shifts and a good bit of the topic spreads over kids and activities for the kids, you get the idea. But how about spouses who go through deployments, underways, lonely holidays who don't have children to keep them busy? Especially those who's circumstances don't allow them to hold a job for the moment? Go ahead Google Stay At Home Navy Wife.... See there? Most of it contains the word MOM(S). As a childless Navy wife I find it frustrating and heartbreaking that unless I have a child or children I have to dig deep for information on how to maintain my sanity, make friends, or just all around cope.
  I am a Navy Wife, a proud one, but before being married to a military man I've never had any other exposure to that type of life unless you count friends in school who had grown up around the military. In the past year I've found myself adjusting constantly. Adjusting to having enough friends to hang out with you could count on your your thumb and pointer finger and not need to count further, adjusting to missing my parents, the life of my nephews and niece as they grow to be spectacular beings, adjusting to loneliness as a constant instead of a visiting and passing moment, adjusting to different cultures and economical changes of my new homes, adjusting to keep myself from going absolutely insane as I've not worked in over a year, adjusting to having my husband gone from my side and not knowing where he is let alone allowed to tell anyone "oh hey my husband is leaving now I'm going to need your support for the next ??-??? amount of days please help me stay sane and fight ultimate loneliness thanks!", adjusting to having relationships with my family & friends via cell phone and thank GOD for skype! There's alot of adjustment that has been done in the past 400+ days and 5,000 miles.. Just saying.
  Please don't get me wrong I don't want to discriminate on those wives who do have children I'm just venting about the fact that A) I don't have kids so its far more difficult to find common ground to build a friendship on that doesn't revolve around children children children B)When My husband goes out to sea I don't have a carbon copy of him and myself to snuggle up to and kiss goodnight, I have an empty bed, an empty house, and nothing to keep me occupied and unfortunately the first few days if not weeks I try to fill that void with tears and happy memories and things I should improve on to be a better wife upon his return, C) I don't drink or party a lot, that time in my life has past and thank the LORD for giving me the good sense to know enough is enough because I'd much rather keep my liver and not drown my sorrows in vodka and beer while my husband is off to sea (or while he's here haha), he does not need to elevate his concern for my personal health and safety while he is out protecting our beautiful country. D) Now this bullet point may seem pointed and mean really though I don't mean for it to, it's just a common occurrence I've noticed has happened with every single Navy family I have come to adore, because I am a childless Navy wife and have free time does not mean I want to be the babysitter, I want to love kids, I adore them because they are unique and yours and fascinating. But I have never been good with them, once the parents are gone I'm terrified! What rules do I enforce? am I fun? Do I implement time out or "go to the corner"? How do I entertain your child while you are gone? What can and can I not say to them? What are some activities I can do with them? Truth be told I am scared of children. That is simply why I don't have my own. I had to yell at my nephews during Christmas. I sent  them to their rooms while I went outside to breath a moment and have a break down. I bawled my eyes out because now I was no longer cool Aunt Bobo, who's husband is in the military and has come so so so far for a visit, no now I'm aunt Bobo who is mean. I can't handle that. When I do grow a pair of lady balls and have my own children I will obviously outgrow this, but until then long periods alone with someone else's bundle of joy makes me so uncomfortable and nervous. This goes for fur babies too although I'd much rather sit with your gerbil than your child because at least then I know it can't escape it's cage and I can drop food and water without worrying it might get free or my dogs might eat it. E) I deserve support! We as wives who have decided that waiting to have kids until we have settled in and feel comfortable with the idea of a family need support! We wives who have decided that partying and drinking just isn't for us, WE deserve support! We deserve a freaking medal actually because if you know anything about the Navy and I assume most branches of the military, actually abstaining from alcohol consumption is a big deal.
 My point is if I can't find the support I need maybe there's a way for me to start something here? Maybe my need and my search can help other childless wives? Because it can be difficult. SO so difficult.
 I joked a few months ago that maybe there should be a MATCH.COM for military wives but hey maybe that's what we do really need? I could use any friend right now, with the sole purpose of friendship. Doesn't have to be a military wife.. It's just with all of the adjustments in 2011-2012 I've been trying to fit myself into where I belong and how can I make friends but I seem to be short one or two of two things a taste for alcohol or a child. And not that it's not in my future because certainly if God blessed me with a Belly bean I would be so excited to start this new adventure but in the mean time.... *sigh* Well I guess we'll just see!

Awfully long time with out posts I need to be up on my game!

I began this post on  4/14/12 Here we are in Kingston Washington. We love Washington thus far, its gorgeous, people are friendly, there's more green than concrete here, there are rednecks here so it almost feels homey, there are clear boundaries from work, home, the big city (without being too far), and neighbors, and it's pleasant regardless of the cloudiness and gloomy rain well and aside from being ridiculously far from home.

   My mother's birthday is approaching, this upcoming Monday and earlier in the week she'd asked me if I wanted to come see her. I'm certain she asked this because she love me and misses me, but it wasn't until after we'd gotten off the phone that it smacked me in the face like a brick that maybe she wanted me to come in for her birthday. So last night  I dreamed Jesse and I booked a flight, got on a plane and flew in simple as that. Oh how I wish it were so easy! Unfortunately it's not a good time. But I know My sister and my folks will be having a birthday lunch for my mom, it's become our own little family tradition and I can't help but be nostalgic and also a wee bit green with jealousy. But we did super great with her gift. We were really excited about it!
The gift was a joint effort, we created a sunny happy picture with finger prints foot prints and paw prints. Since Jesse and I have no kids we decided to use ourselves and our pups, we contributed the sky (sun and clouds) from paw prints and used our thumbs for ants, My sister and her family completed the picture with the use of fists for the grass, sweet little feet with pink bottoms and blue toes for the butterfly and fingers and hands to display colorful flowers. We also recorded a virtual birthday car for her using my sister's phone she recorded her and her family singing happy birthday while Jesse and I sang from the laptop via skype! Technology is a wonderful thing! Even though I was 3,000 miles away I felt like I was a part of this family celebration. As my mom opened and reviewed her gifts my sister recorded her for me. We were so proud of how great everything came together and while it may seem simple to other people the gift and celebration as a whole was straight from our hearts. In our family a gift from the heart is worth more than any amount gold or diamonds, family and love are the real deal and can get your further than anything else. As we'd hoped mom absolutely LOVED her birthday and as they ahem *we* celebrated a bit early on Saturday night, I could tell it tickled her on through until Monday her actual birthday ;)

  With all of that being said, if you knew me you'd know that as of lately I've been an anxious ball of darkness and frowns. Working on that though, thankfully! It takes a lot of working myself up to make decisions to act on something or speak up sometimes. Which hasn't always been the case, I've had my fair share of big carless mouthness. Within the last year or so though I worry about my actions and words and their consequences far more than one person should worry and usually at the wrong times too. When I really should worry about my actions or words it goes the other way and I don't even notice until the moment has passed. My Mamaw a wonderful wonderful lady and inspiration to me personally has not been with us for several years now. When she was though you could expect a phone call and a birthday song every birthday, every child, grandchild, great grand and so on. She was amazing, loving and still tough, creative and still organized enough. Since her passing birthday calls have become sparse and depressingly empty, my papaw sort of dropped the ball. Maybe it's too painful for him to recall the happy times or maybe his old age has allowed his memory to slip or maybe just too many feeling have been hurt and he doesn't know how to cope. I don't know but I do know this man has been in my life my whole life and I still want him, he's mine whether he remembers or not. I cherish the memories and summers he and my mamaw gave us as kids and that just cannot be tarnished no matter how far away he seems these days regardless of physical location, I'm speaking emotion and family here. With out a second thought on my mother's birthday I woke up immediately called her and cheerfully sang happy birthday into her voicemail (she was at work). I hung up thought for all of thirty seconds and knew exactly what I needed to do. I dialed my Papaw's phone number (keeping in mind I've not talked to this man in a very long time). We spoke for a bit I told him about life in Washington, he asked about my pups and I asked about his "new" wife, he mentioned something about how she was a year older and just had a birthday so of course I mentioned it was moms birthday and how I didn't realize my Aunt's bday was exactly a week later and asked if he'd talked to her yet, we talked a bit more and that was that. Thankfully he got the clue and gave her call UNFORTUNATELY the turkey told her we had talked and gave it away. Pbbbt. Oh well. Still I believe a successful birthday.

  On a side note Wednesday was my favorite day this week. Full sunshiny days are rare here, I didn't watch a lick of Grey's Anatomy (my new obsession) I stayed outside reading and feeding the neighbors' chicken, chit chatting with the neighbors and a short trip to library to drop off and pick up! Now if only we can get some more sunshine!

Revelations Everyday post meant to be published 2/22/12

This last year has been so long but gone by with the quickness. Much has changed, location, distance from home, climate, pets, you get the idea. I'm used to a fast paced everyday life, a job to go to, friends to hang out with, a house to keep clean, dishes to maintain, dogs to walk, these are things I not only had to do but wanted to do. Now I have all the time in the world and I just want to feel needed, like I'm contributing in some way.
 It seems that everyday at one point or another I get restless and have some idea or revelation pop into my head.
A lot of days it comes back to the same stuff, money bills, furniture we need or would love to upgrade, health, and how much I miss the people in my life back home, but not the actual location of said people. last month or so I had a revelation that I didn't want to go back to work, then this week everything about that thought makes me cringe.