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Thursday, September 5, 2013

Excruciatingly dull waiting during exciting times

It's Thursday again. This time last week I was certain I'd have a little bundle of joy to hold by the end of the day, but I was oh so wrong. I have no idea what got the notion in my head I was just so sure Cordelia Quinn would have made her appearance by that late evening or even the early hours of the next morning! 39 weeks and two days today. That's how pregnant I am. Yesterday, at the now weekly OB appointment, I was asked if I wanted to stir up some trouble which resulted in a crazy sweeping of my membranes. Sounds rather cleansing huh? Well, it was more rather painful I'd say. I laughed through the most of it, which confused the midwife performing said sweep. I guess she'd never gotten that reaction before. Glad to pop her Nervous laughter cherry. Talk about a hot flash. I couldn't even tell you now if it was just extremely uncomfortable or super painful. It's like I've wiped every bit of that experiences physical matter from my memory bank. It jump started contractions right away of course I didn't feel them really until a few hours later. We walked and lied down and timed those suckers down from 8-10 minutes apart at 45 seconds long, to about 3-5 minutes apart running an average at a minute long. And off to Labor and delivery we went. They checked me and no dice. My contractions kept on into the night but never strengthened and then seemingly have tapered off this afternoon. :( well boo. However disgustingly enough I did wake to find I'd lost my mucous plug. SO where one progress has paused another has championed through. In other news we did make it to the management office yesterday to talk to the Boss lady about our encounter with the loud mouths from a few nights ago. No meeting could be arranged, I should have guessed that, BUT she did say she could call to inform them that she'd heard about the incident and was calling to remind them that no form of harassment would be tolerated and that was in the lease they signed. She was wording things so that they'd feel pretty awful and hopefully realize what they did. Ok fine. I can let it go now I think. I still asked if she didn't mind to pass along to the girl who was only involved because she was present that I was sorry and in the heat of the moment and shouldn't have put her in the middle of it. (Even though I didn't begin this interaction clearly..) Anyways here I sit waiting for Jesse to get home so we can wait together to see if contractions will rev up  and bring us our baby girl, or if we get to wait another week. I should mention I have no patience and I've held it together quite well so far in my own humble opinion, however, I am really starting to unravel! I want to see this baby now! Then again I feel her little legs stretching out or her arms doing whatever it is she's doing in there, I can only assume the macarena? And I touch my tummy with the love and tenderness and adoration that for these last few days, she is still MY little Thumper. My tiny pen pal tapping out messages with no real meaning other than a secret between me and her. We understand one another, she doesn't like meat I got it, I don't eat meat, she doesn't like me to sit or rest in certain positions ok I got it I will move and adjust for you my sweet little girl. She knows when I'm hungry and reminds me with a fit of kicks until finally I get a nibble going. Yes ma'am let's eat! Really she's the boss of course. Everyone says that. It's true. I mean she's not even born yet and got me on a strict diet, doing her laundry, setting up her space and daydreaming about those fat cheeks. I hope they've stayed chubby! SO much! I will love her chubby cheek regardless but <3 Its just an image I've got of her. Sigh when will you get here and graduate from Thumper to daughter that I can share with the world? Until then I will wait wait wait :)

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Lingering words and hopeful thoughts

I woke up this Morning feeling slightly less Slumpish as the last few days have dragged into being. Also while brushing my teeth scrubbing away that delightful hot morning breath, I noticed our lil Thumper bump had moved south! Hopefully this means sooner than later!  Get low baby girl! GET LOW!♥ I did not make good on my plans to go to the office to arrange the meeting with the jerky tenants who yelled out the awful words that I can't seem to shake free from the forefront of my mind. Instead I napped then went to library to gather my pre-shopped books they'd been holding for me. I  did attempt to call my therapist office to set up a meeting asap so I could get this awful repeating scene off my chest and in hopes Doc R could shine some light on a different way for me to process and dump the scenario.  No luck there, no one answered. Tomorrow we have an OB appointment so hopefully we'll get some good news there. Afterwards though I neef to buck up and get in that management office to plan out a meeting with these ill mannered morons who thought it was a good idea to yell hate from their balcony. They need to know and I need closure. That is that.  Hopefully I don't lose my nerve!

Monday, September 2, 2013

A little hurt goes a long way eh?

Hey people guess what? Yup still pregnant 39 weeks as of tomorrow! Stubborn and cozy, this baby has decided to stick it on out. Its driving me crazy just wanting to know when she'll be coming. Wouldn't that be so much easier?! OH yes!
So I fear I may be dealing with a slight case of prepartum depression. Perhaps its just normal pregnancy hormones? Who knows? I do know I haven't wanted to do much socializing in person or via phone really at all these last few weeks. The only thing I have wanted to do was lay in bed, play solitaire, creep the internet/social media, shower like twice and even 3 times a  day on particularly low or uncomfortable days, and of course cat nap. Yesterday started out slow, and got to be a little suckier as the day went on. We had a moment of panic not feeling Cordelia Quinn moving or being able to coax her into any movement trying all my little tricks, Ice cube on the tummy, well a cold coke this time, laying flat on the bed, sitting in a certain position, jiggling the bump where her butt pokes up, none of it worked. When we called they said to eat something so I did and nothing happened. We called back and rushed to Labor and delivery to check on our little Thumper to find that she was fine. Though they did hold me a little longer because my blood pressure was way high. They checked me three times with in an hour. the first two were consistently high, the third was much much better. I know it sounds crazy but the doctor had come in to do an ultrasound and while I was definitely more calm once we heard lil CQ's heartbeat I guess I was still tense. When the doc came in to do the ultrasound check real quick he was talking to me and I finally looked up to see a bit of familiarity in his face. I do not feel comfortable with male doctors, I haven't since the OBGYN who pulled out my IUD back in 2011 joked with me inappropriately and made me physically and emotionally uncomfortable. But this doc his face was familiar and I found it soothing. He looked just like he could pass as an older brother to my cousin Kalyn. I was instantly calmed- that's when they did the third BP check and All was well. whew! So it was sort of an unnecessary trip to the hospital but at least we know she's ok! And also that I was ok.
For a couple nights this last week Hubby and I have been going to walks, trying to get this little girl on out! In fact we've gone a bit further each time, half a mile, quarter of a mile, .81 miles, and finally that glorious WHOLE entire mile lol. YAY! That was last night, though the path was much more intense than any other night. In fact My heart rate was probably at an all time HIGH. Why? What caused this bit of increase? Well upon heading back from our normal route home, some idiot decides to yell "Belugaaaaaaa WHALLLLLLLEEEE!!!" Really loud as we passed by their apartment building. I turned to Jesse and said "What did they say?" shrugged it off and kept walking a few steps then we hear even louder... IMPOSSIBLY loud "DUDE THAT BITCH IS FAT!!!!!!!!" No one else was outside or around.. we paused a second I was going to keep going then Jesse turned back to see if he could get a glimpse of the guy. I yelled back without even thinking about what was coming out of my mouth first "F YOU A-hole I'm pregnant" but then Suddenly a bomb of RAGE went off inside me. I marched my pregnant-beluga-whale-sized-ass right up to the porch below their balcony and yelled up to the second story that these jerks had JUST been sitting outside on. Of course by the time we reached it they'd cowered inside. However, there was a girl on the computer by the window so I softly hollered "hey!" Hhey!" up to the window and asked her if there were just a couple of guys out on her balcony, she said yes, her roommates. My blood is boiling and pumping and my mind is throbbing with such intense anger at this point. Mind you I don't normally let things get me so very heated, but something in me just clicked! I haven't been so mad in a very very long time. I had some not so choice words to say, looking back I wish I'd censored myself a little more and thought out my responses. Long story short, I basically said that it was pretty messed up that the guy wouldn't come back out and face me, that I may be fat and pregnant, but that would change, however being a jerk and yelling obscenities at strangers passing by that's something they themselves would have to live with. Then I probably shouldn't have but I kept asking the girl to have the guy come out and own up to what he did only he wouldn't so I said fine what's your apartment number I'll come up! Then ran around to the side where I was going to jump through a hole where the stairs were, until Jesse stopped me. NO noNo no nono you are 9 months pregnant they got the point lets just go. But I was furious! I went back to the window and they'd left. Turned off the tv, the computer off and the girl was gone. So instead we went to the office and I told the night shift employee there what had happened. I also said that if they didn't talk to those jerks I had no problem going back and giving them a talking to. Though I couldn't find their apartment right afterwards and thank GOD for that too because looking back that was just not the smartest thing I could've done at that point. I was just far too heated. Needless to say the walk home was short and I also suspect we may have been followed back but nothing came of that thankfully. We got back home and I was happy as clam pleased with myself for not letting that jerk get away with yelling such awful things at me, and for not giving him the satisfaction of cowering home with my tail tucked between my legs. Jesse was steamed. I feared he was mad at me for being so hot headed, but on the other hand I was also not going to be run over by some idiot. I could tell he was stewing on it until he finally fell asleep but I kept saying I wasn't bothered I was too amped! Then as the night went on I went to sleep as well, and woke as I so often do during the night to pee or because I'm uncomfortable and need to flip my pregnant belly to the other side. Each time I'd wake I had "Beluga whale" and "That bitch is fat" on my mind, then I'd drift off back to sleep. Finally when I woke this morning it settled in, I was completely cooled off and so over being angry. In fact I was down right sad, depressed and feeling guilty for my obscene outbursts. My plan was to go to the office and have them call those guys and girl down to the office so I could apologize for my vulgar language and heated fit. But then I also wanted to look them in the face and ask Just what they were trying to accomplish by yelling those things out? Did it make them feel like a man? Did it make them feel good about themselves? Because it certainly didn't do ANY good for me. Then I would just leave it at that. Say my thing and go. But it's Labor Day and the management office is closed... CLOSED. So no closure for me today and by tomorrow I may lose my nerve. What gives those guys the right to make a snap judgement and call me names as I'm WALKING clearly at a pace and in clothes of exercise style? Who do they think they are? I don't deal with this type of thing on a regular basis so it's struck me down, and it feels awful. I spent my morning in the shower crying and having Jesse snuggle and comfort me. I hope karma finds them and teaches them a lesson. I won't play that part even though I did think about calling up door to door businesses to go do demonstrations back to back for a week at their door, covering their door knob in vase\line, or even more mellow and to the point -grabbing a bunch of Anti-bullying type pamphlets to stuff in their door. I won't do it. No good will come of that. A few simple choice words yelled out across a yard from stranger to stranger and I still feel the hurt in the pit of my stomach.. It goes a long way doesn't it? 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Up and coming LIFE changing events!

We're rounding the middle of the 35th week of pregnancy. As I type this as the little bundle of love in my tummy is stretching out trying to find where her space went! haha! Our Little one is getting so big, and strong!! Those little legs and arms push and pull and stretch like crazy! There's so much to consider and decide on in the next weeks to come! I have established a very basic birth plan, with the aid of mild research, discussions with Jesse, and this undeniable drive in myself of certainty. I'll explain that later. First up I have been circling the decision of Natural childbirth versus allowing myself to cave and get an epidural. My inner self reads empowering words about labor pain being good pain, how our bodies are made for labor and can endure the "pain", and says "HEY YOU, you are no different you can totally do this!! Lets make it a challenge! See how far you can go without pain meds and then maybe by the time I decide I should cave it will be too late and BOOM I'll have to go natural." I know this is a cowardly way of looking at it. If I were truly brave I could just be like ABSOLUTELY NO DRUGS!! But the truth is no matter how much I read and feel more comfortable of the idea of labor and delivery of our sweet little girl, I am still pretty scared of the pain. On the other hand I do feel like looking ahead assuming I labor naturally, I will have so much pride in myself. But Will I be one of those moms "I was in labor blah blah hours and pushed blah blah blah and no drugs!" at any mention of childbirth to the point of annoying? Well that's neither here nor there as it won't drive the outcome of the natural vs epidural decision. Up until this last week my thought process was oh, however she gets here is how she gets here and my birth plan specifications didn't really kick in until after our Cordelia Quinn was safely brought into the world however it happened happened. I didn't want to get too tied down to details and create unnecessary expectations only to be disappointed at the first detail that went awry and any other failed hopes and plans for the birth and so on. I still stand by this, just adjusting the idea that I'll HAVE to have an epidural. It still may be a game time decision. Onward into the birth plan a bit further. Its funny how things interconnect once you read information about one thing it can open your eyes to something else without really even realizing it. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just a little slow haha. Its ok we'll call it baby brain? I read something about skin to skin immediately after birth and with out even having the details I knew it was something I wanted to do. This is the first part of that undeniable certainty I mentioned before. Now for those uninformed, after the baby is born you can request this skin to skin time which basically in a nutshell is a bonding time for mom and baby. Its very helpful in establishing a bond especially in those breastfeeding. Another little added few things, we would like for Jesse to cut the cord, and to wait for it to stop pulsating before it's clamped and severed. Reason being, it could give the new born significant health benefits. "The umbilical cord carries nutrients and oxygen from mom-to-be's placenta to the developing infant's abdomen." quoting an online article from MSNBC there. Bringing us around to the last but certainly not the least in importance on the loosely navigated birth plan, breastfeeding! Since day one and even before finding out we were expecting, I have always known I would breastfeed! I am so determined! I've heard stories from friends and family of not being able to breastfeed. But I am one stubborn gal and I am determined these ridiculously large breasts of mine WILL nourish our child! I've been looking up youtube videos, classes I can attend, reading material, I still feel ill prepared! BUT I have a great support system in place and will push and push until I either succeed happily or fail with a fight! I'm not sure there's much more to say about it. ha! Go boobies! hahahaha I will say once we hit 34 weeks I was freaked out because I know babies can come that early. But then I started to focus on the fact that we will have our baby here, and doing more research on labor and the things that crept into my mind to worry over, and it seemed to calm me! In fact I feel confident that if she were to come this evening while I would be in shock as there have been absolutely no signs, I would be ok, and could handle it! ;) I by no means wish for her to arrive early though, I know the longer she bakes the better off she is :) I just want a healthy and happy little baby! Isn't that what all moms want though?!

Friday, July 5, 2013

Hello there Its been to long and I am ever so sorry

It seems I've neglected to keep up with this blog as I had intended to in the beginning. Perhaps the next few months will allow me more material to write about. I have much to report, and being quite unsure of what I've written in the past posts I may repeat myself! WOOHOO! Just breeze on through it and lets keep it going! First thing is first. The big stuff if you will. I'm in my 7th month of pregnancy! It's been a fairly "easy" pregnancy if you don't take into account that the first months I puked up almost every meal I had, then progressed from that to puking/ dry heaving practically every morning. We're occasionally sick now, but much less than in the beginning (THANK Goodness!!). There was also a constant feeling of nausea and motion sickness on trips, long or short, which has eased up a little bit as well. Also we moved! After calculating the arrival of our sweet girl, we were nervous that Jesse would be out to sea during that time. Well it was I who was actually VERY anxious that I would be out in the secluded country area we lived in, alone and 45 minutes from the hospital with no one around in case of emergency. Just before Jesse left for patrol in March we packed up our roomy 3 bedroom 2 bath, one car garage, lovely front decked, fenced in backyard, rental and crammed it all into cozy a 2 bedroom one bath apartment closer to base by twenty minutes and closer to the hospital by 30 minutes. The first few months were disheartening, living out of boxes and having to weave our way around a very tight maze of boxes constantly, but once things got rolling and everything was starting to clear up and shift into a more permanent spot it seemed to get more comfortable. I've come to enjoy our much smaller living quarters. Smaller or lesser known details to this transition are to follow! I'm not sure if I have openly written about this and if so oh well ;) About a year ago I was diagnosed clinically depressed and also with a hefty case of anxiety. Who would have seen that coming? haha! I was medicated immediately, and with time and adjustments the medicine actually seemed to work on my mood. Unfortunately though nothing was changing really. I relied heavily on phone calls and skype dates with my parents and a few friends from back home to keep up any type of socialization outside of our home. Other than the occasional babysitting gig across the street for our neighbors, I was kind of a hermit. If Jesse had friends over I would hang for a little bit, but usually ended up holing up in the bedroom. I myself did not really have any local friends. This obviously was not really a healthy way of life, but I didn't know a way to change it up. I'm certain, now that I'm not the only Navy wife to experience this type of isolation feeling or depression. I didn't even realized I was depressed I just thought I had an awful attitude and I kind of hated myself for it. I saw an infomercial explaining in great detail exactly the feelings I was having and the way that I was behaving and I thought to myself No way am I depressed, this is just a slump. Depression is for people with actual real problems and harder times, rougher lives, less to be thankful for. I ended up calling the hotline from the infomercial, I nervously awaited an operator. Once connected I spoke with a girl who sounded to be in her early twenties named "Skye". She too struggled with this pit of emotions and self loathing, antisocial, anxious mess that I was dealing with. A little too good to be true? I'm not the only who feels like a spoiled brat drawing out the longest and most pitiful woe is me tantrum? We went on talking a good thirty minutes when she drops the 17 step packages she was hustling. Claiming everyone deserves to be happy not taking NO thanks as an answer, I even told her I would need to discuss this with my husband who wouldn't be home for a little while, and she still tried to steamroll me into a package deal. Of course once off the phone and standing firmly on my NO THANKS answer, I did some research to find that the company I called has been associated with being a HUGE scam. This left me incredibly confused, I hasd concluded from mine and Skye's conversation that I was indeed depressed and not just a spoiled brat, but that I needed guidance. Not only was I confused.... I was frustrated. So I turned to someone I respect, adore, and admire. My sister. We had many heart to hearts in the last years and have grown much closer in our adulthood. I Love her to pieces for being who she is and able to guide me without getting fed up with my neediness for guidance. She urged me to talk to a doctor and figure it all out. But I was nervous. And scared. Though I did end up calling tricare and discussing my options, nervously because I thought somehow it would get my husband in trouble with his command if they found out his wife had gone cookoo and needed a head doctor.. Which is how I thought pre-therapy and now I'm completely proud and encourage therapy to any and all! I did have an episode in November or December where my medication was changed at my request, and things were changed too quickly or drastically for my body and I felt like a cat trapped in a milk crate on a hot summer day. Once it was balanced out though, things got better. I won't contribute my feeling better to the medication though, because as soon as we found out in January that I was pregnant, I began weaning off the medication. And now I've been Med free for 6 months and I feel fine. Therapy and medication both got me where I need to be. Therapy being the key. I've gone to two different counselors, with two different way of handling things and both have helped in their own way. Now I do have friends. I can get out with on a daily or at the very least weekly basis, and I am more accepting of myself and the world around me. I'm less hard on myself and I'm able to look forward to many things, including the birth of our little Cordelia Quinn Set to arrive in just a couple short months! I think I will leave things at that and come back to report more a little later on! ;)