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Friday, July 5, 2013

Hello there Its been to long and I am ever so sorry

It seems I've neglected to keep up with this blog as I had intended to in the beginning. Perhaps the next few months will allow me more material to write about. I have much to report, and being quite unsure of what I've written in the past posts I may repeat myself! WOOHOO! Just breeze on through it and lets keep it going! First thing is first. The big stuff if you will. I'm in my 7th month of pregnancy! It's been a fairly "easy" pregnancy if you don't take into account that the first months I puked up almost every meal I had, then progressed from that to puking/ dry heaving practically every morning. We're occasionally sick now, but much less than in the beginning (THANK Goodness!!). There was also a constant feeling of nausea and motion sickness on trips, long or short, which has eased up a little bit as well. Also we moved! After calculating the arrival of our sweet girl, we were nervous that Jesse would be out to sea during that time. Well it was I who was actually VERY anxious that I would be out in the secluded country area we lived in, alone and 45 minutes from the hospital with no one around in case of emergency. Just before Jesse left for patrol in March we packed up our roomy 3 bedroom 2 bath, one car garage, lovely front decked, fenced in backyard, rental and crammed it all into cozy a 2 bedroom one bath apartment closer to base by twenty minutes and closer to the hospital by 30 minutes. The first few months were disheartening, living out of boxes and having to weave our way around a very tight maze of boxes constantly, but once things got rolling and everything was starting to clear up and shift into a more permanent spot it seemed to get more comfortable. I've come to enjoy our much smaller living quarters. Smaller or lesser known details to this transition are to follow! I'm not sure if I have openly written about this and if so oh well ;) About a year ago I was diagnosed clinically depressed and also with a hefty case of anxiety. Who would have seen that coming? haha! I was medicated immediately, and with time and adjustments the medicine actually seemed to work on my mood. Unfortunately though nothing was changing really. I relied heavily on phone calls and skype dates with my parents and a few friends from back home to keep up any type of socialization outside of our home. Other than the occasional babysitting gig across the street for our neighbors, I was kind of a hermit. If Jesse had friends over I would hang for a little bit, but usually ended up holing up in the bedroom. I myself did not really have any local friends. This obviously was not really a healthy way of life, but I didn't know a way to change it up. I'm certain, now that I'm not the only Navy wife to experience this type of isolation feeling or depression. I didn't even realized I was depressed I just thought I had an awful attitude and I kind of hated myself for it. I saw an infomercial explaining in great detail exactly the feelings I was having and the way that I was behaving and I thought to myself No way am I depressed, this is just a slump. Depression is for people with actual real problems and harder times, rougher lives, less to be thankful for. I ended up calling the hotline from the infomercial, I nervously awaited an operator. Once connected I spoke with a girl who sounded to be in her early twenties named "Skye". She too struggled with this pit of emotions and self loathing, antisocial, anxious mess that I was dealing with. A little too good to be true? I'm not the only who feels like a spoiled brat drawing out the longest and most pitiful woe is me tantrum? We went on talking a good thirty minutes when she drops the 17 step packages she was hustling. Claiming everyone deserves to be happy not taking NO thanks as an answer, I even told her I would need to discuss this with my husband who wouldn't be home for a little while, and she still tried to steamroll me into a package deal. Of course once off the phone and standing firmly on my NO THANKS answer, I did some research to find that the company I called has been associated with being a HUGE scam. This left me incredibly confused, I hasd concluded from mine and Skye's conversation that I was indeed depressed and not just a spoiled brat, but that I needed guidance. Not only was I confused.... I was frustrated. So I turned to someone I respect, adore, and admire. My sister. We had many heart to hearts in the last years and have grown much closer in our adulthood. I Love her to pieces for being who she is and able to guide me without getting fed up with my neediness for guidance. She urged me to talk to a doctor and figure it all out. But I was nervous. And scared. Though I did end up calling tricare and discussing my options, nervously because I thought somehow it would get my husband in trouble with his command if they found out his wife had gone cookoo and needed a head doctor.. Which is how I thought pre-therapy and now I'm completely proud and encourage therapy to any and all! I did have an episode in November or December where my medication was changed at my request, and things were changed too quickly or drastically for my body and I felt like a cat trapped in a milk crate on a hot summer day. Once it was balanced out though, things got better. I won't contribute my feeling better to the medication though, because as soon as we found out in January that I was pregnant, I began weaning off the medication. And now I've been Med free for 6 months and I feel fine. Therapy and medication both got me where I need to be. Therapy being the key. I've gone to two different counselors, with two different way of handling things and both have helped in their own way. Now I do have friends. I can get out with on a daily or at the very least weekly basis, and I am more accepting of myself and the world around me. I'm less hard on myself and I'm able to look forward to many things, including the birth of our little Cordelia Quinn Set to arrive in just a couple short months! I think I will leave things at that and come back to report more a little later on! ;)