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Friday, May 29, 2015

for good a step toward happiness

The husband and I have been having conversations of the future ahead of our family.  What we want.  How to get there.  It seems as though shaking things up with the options we discussed and the opportunities or possibilities that lie ahead has really put us on a stronger path together. It's been a tough couple months, finally getting that settled in feeling only to realize we'll have to begin making plans to uproot in another month or two,  struggling with wanting to be social and not knowing anyone which lead to missing our amazing friends we made in the PacificNW. All the while trying to financially stay afloat.  Sea pay being docked from the monthly income is certainly causing difficulties. But we manage to pay bills and get had and Groceries enough to scrape by till the next check. But it ain't pretty ;) Having one car between us takes a toll also. For one I can no longer go to weekly events (like toddler classes or therapy sessions) due to the ever changing class schedule of my husband's school, and for two once you've been sick at home all week you're aching to get out, but once you've been busting booty and brain power in this incredibly difficult school all week one just wants to relax unwind and laze about.  These two situations conflict and put strain on the household.

Today we took a drive and ended up in Westerly Rhode Island.  It was amazing. Dream home Eye candy. We asked ourselves what must we do to end up in one of those houses?  Seriously I felt my soul and heart glow with satisfaction just by viewing the outward architecture. And the best part of it is that it wasn't far away! Less than a half hour on the highway and we were home.

What will come of us?  Where will we land?  No clue.  But I'm so happy we share so much and want similar things even 6 years into our relationship ♡

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Bad hair cut

I got a bad haircut.  I'm pretty pissed and I can't make myself just hey get over it like everyone has said. I'm a child and I am sulking.  When you don't like the way yoy look, you hate it.  And my hair was a comfort that has been brutally chopped away.  It doesn't even matter in theslightest bif it looks alright to everyone else. I just wanted my ends trimmed.  That's it.  I said I wanted to get it to grow to all one length and she layered it.  Short layers.  Chunky make look even fatter,  fat layers. Hooray.

Top that with the slump I've been fighting off and the ever growing loneliness. It's been a bad day.  And I have only made it worse by letting my husband and daughter down.  They played so well today and bonded so beautifully. She spent the day with him playing and giggling, and I have been a sour puss. I can't shake it though.  It's a bad mood caused by a bad hair cut.  Ain't that the worst? I just won't leave the house or look in any mirrors for the next month or so.   Problem. solved. It's not like I've got any place to go anyhow.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Mixed families

It occurred to me, on the tenth anniversary of my grandmother's passing, that I had doled out an injustice for far too long. My Grandfather Married a woman not too very long after our loss, though it was a few years. She was a nice lady and I was thrilled for him to have found love and comfort even though his wife of a billionteen years had died FAR far far too young from the evils of lung cancer. At first anyways.
But then it became apparent that our family and all of it's traditions had gone to the grave with my amazing grandmother, and it seemed that this new woman was to blame. It felt we were tossed aside and out of touch which was completely unlike us all. The head of the family passed and we all seemed to cower to our homes and scraping together for oddball events or the meager few who still were able to attend Christmases or a Thanksgiving but never the Easters. Easter was Mamaw's superbowl. She cooked and planned, she organized activities for us all to enjoy, we had GUEST JUDGES for our egg decorating contests and EACH of us got a prize. She probably loved giving the prizes just as much as we loved earning them. No one and I mean NO ONE could out Easter my mamaw.

 It seems I unknowingly had placed a good bit of unfair expectation and grief on Poor Betty. The new wife.  They have come to visit all the way from Arkansas on their way up to Canada. I'm sure this section of Connecticut isn't exactly a straight shot to where they're headed. So it's very nice that they stopped by. She is really a very sweet woman and you can really tell she does love my Papaw and they really do enjoy one another. In fact I almost hesitated bringing up a memory with my mamaw in it simply for fear of striking the wrong nerve with them. But I didn't hold back. Mamaw was a huge part of our history, why wouldn't I want to share these warm memories? After all it wasn't out of spite or to make Betty squirm that I brought up dear Mamaw. It was just a moment to enjoy with my family and conversation. I hugged Betty so tight seeing her this visit, and I've hugged her before, I'm not a monster. But this time it was a warm get over here I love you hug with added appreciation. I do so love my family. I wish I hadn't been so put off. Feelings get hurt and blame and anger get misplaced. It's not easy admitting you're wrong. but once you do the possibilities that lie ahead of you are so much more light and warm.

It dawned on me that she was not meant to replace my mamaw and I needed to stop trying to fit her into the shoes of someone I had known, loved and grown with.  I needed to appreciate her for who she is and all of her positive characteristics versus being angry she didn't meet the criteria of being a whole other person that in ways I had hoped she would be. It hurt that she didn't try to mold into the edges of expectations.  And those were unrealistic and unfair expectations for anyone to have to fill. The love she and my Grandfather share is adorable and gentle and sweet. And I regret ever having been bitter. Lesson learned.  :)

Thursday, May 21, 2015

The struggle

With every new home comes a new bunch of neighbors.  Some are wonderful, full of life and welcoming beyond expectation.  Others will leave you iced over with their lack of care.

The husband and I got into a discussion today about the way the world is changing. The way life moves so quickly, and people have become so self absorbed that they just don't even try anymore. The way especially within the community of military living,  many of us get lost in the shuffle,  shoved over and create the pattern of doing the same to others,  because we've been done that way, is simply don't make the effort for whatever reason.

I struggle here because I wonder is it them?  Or is it me?  I try to be friendly with each encounter with pretty much any other human I come in contact with.  It seems our most recent home does not welcome this warm behavior like the Pacific north west did.

This callousness and shrugging people off is so devastating. It's damaging to our race as humans. This is also why I don't live in military housing. I am so filed with grief over the personal torment of loneliness I have come to acquire that I can't even pull together my thoughts or main Points here.

I'll hang in here. 5 months and counting~ Alone. And feeling every excruciatingly friendless day pass. Even the long distance ones have begun to fade out and have lost interest.  It must be me.  It must be.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Blehk day, to you I bid goodnight

You know that sour feeling you get in your stomach when you're worrying too much or you're nervous,  or maybe just fed up with the day? Then you think about it and it's like the sourness just flips over filling your tummy again &again. As I lay here in bed,  having been here since just after 7, I keep having that same sickening sour sloshing, hitting me wave after wave.

It's been a not so great day.  It wasn't awful.  It wasn't life threatening or devastating. It was just not sunshine and roses.  Literally.  It was a chilly cloudy day ;)

It was a late work day. Hubby was home 3 hrs after normal hours.  I don't have the right to complain. We've had it easy the first four months of the year. But what's worse is gettinga text saying hubby failed his bigbig test today. Knowing he'd come home stone faced and filled to the brim with stress.

Unfortunately our reality is a pay check to paycheck budget that we scrape by on just barely. Yesterday's financial anxieties finally caught up to me this morning as I desperately phoned around trying to manage what I could where I could.  We got a bill in the mail for my ER visits over $1200 bucks duev the 23rd of *this* month. Barf. Then as I was just appreciating the investment of a purchase we made last year -our large portable ac unit, it starts making "I'm about to explode" noises.  Bam 300 precious dollars down the drain. And because I didn't claim it 75 days after the move you know during the northeast ' s back to back historically snowy Freeezing snow storms, I cannot claim for full value nor will we be able to get even close. Maybe 20 bucks. Our if I'm being hopeful say $35. Which won't even buy a crummy window unit. Unless it's used? We truly suck at budgeting anyways.  But I feel like our bills are minimal & we just can't juggle it.  So this is the last day before pay day and can I say we definitely feel it. It stinks. And forget about savings right now.  We have about $1.15 in savings all together right now.  Laughable. But it is what it is.  You know! ?

CQ was throwing tantrums left, right, up, down, sideways, upside down, backwards, frontwards, and a little upright. On a normal day two or three short "sprints" of these tantrums is tolerable. Today was not normal.  It sucked. Nothing made her happy. Outside? Nope. Crayons? Nope. Pool play? Nope. Sensory time? Nope. Cuddles & nursing? Absolutely positively not. All her favorite things just amplified her anger and crying and screeching at the top of her lungs.  Her poor purple face looked so unfixable. I just had to keep holding her, putting her gently on the ground when she'd arch her back and fling herself around too dangerous for me to hold her. Only to pick her right back up and try to cling to her and calm her, sing to her,  hush hush her.  It was all no use.  She just had to have her fit and calm herself down. And finally, after what felt like an hour, she did. And then we cuddled, nursed, and giggled at the silly games we play. Thank heaven for those sweet moments.  Earlier in the day she had squeezed all of her food out onto the ground, rocking chair and electrical cords beside the couch. In her fit and my attempt to calm her tiny plastic perler beads were strewn about the living room. She threw a water bottle at me, hit her own head, screamed at the top of her lungs during every diaper change. Smashed her little fingers in the door. Nearly broke a glass, tried to lock me out of the house and yelled at me when I forced my way in, slammed her head into the corner by the stairs, and refused to eat breakfast. But noneof those were awful.  It wadthe all day of tantrums.  Seriously though She's not all bad.  She's my little tooty butt and I love her so so much!  Today was just not her day.

Hubby came home (late) and I didn't have one productive thing done.  No dinner prepared. The house was a mess, the dog was wired, we were upstairs for CQs bathtime so she was yelling every few seconds because she thought I was going to steal her bath toy. Nothing looked done. For all he knew i napped all day and farted rainbows and sunshine and sipped cucumber water while fairies brushed my hair.

As we wrapped up the night I surveyed the battle grounds and really soaked in what an awful job of "mom" I've done lately.  Lazy. unmotivated. Messy. Impatient. DISORGANIZED. Used well wrapped up Diapers on the floor where I had to slide them across the ground to hurriedly finish the diaper change while I was screamed at because clearly fresh bottom is a form of torture. Toy grenades gone off every whichway, remnants within a foot of one another. The towel I used to wipe up the food squeeze situation still laying where I left it. So much left half way done. I wouldn't blame DH if he was feeling stressed out. And i didn't have any "give a care" left in me.

I popped my sleepy night time pills to knock me out early and here I am wrestling with my anxious thoughts, & my fidgety legs, trying to soothe myself. He also came to bed early and has been snoozing at least two hours. I wish I had that ability!

Tomorrow is another day *sigh*  everything will be ok one way or another.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Here in Limbo city

Hello. it has been quite some time since I last visited the ole blog center.  Who reads this rambling sack of nonsense anyhow?  HA! Well here we are my husband has now been in the Navy a good 4 and a half years. We've now moved away from home, family and friends, pretty much across country (south to north), got two sweet adorable Dorkie pups, moved across country again(east to west), had a baby, celebrated her first birthday, moved across country again (W to E) and in the process left a dog in Tennessee (due to unsteady temperament, don't worry he's with family and so spoiled), And we're here in the first station we'd left home for all those years ago. Somewhere in that time masses of weight came and went came and went and most has settled in to keep us warm. Haha ok to keep ME warm!  I had no appetite my whole pregnancy therefore breastfeeding and gaining desire to eat again were a dangerous and pitiful combination for me!  Somewhere deep in the wedges of memories being made and babies being born, it seems my twenties leaked right on out. Some of that hot headed rebellion scraped off, and the bouncy excitement over things as miniscule as a morning cup of coffee has dribbled down & furled into a sweet morning snuggling filled with nursing and wake up kisses. Our Red hot shiny Charger dismissed from her proud duties and in her stead a black stallion family sized Durango has filled in.  Many pieces of art have left my hands and heart and entered the homes of strangers and family and friends in my attempt to find my purpose, and regain some sense of financial standing of my own (even if it is only a teeeeny tiny bit haha). I do love to paint and create things even out of the challenges I find myself struggling so hard to resonate with.  I only wish my talent matched the joy it brings me to create these canvases. Back to the subject. Limbo.  This my friends is where we have no idea where we are headed. What's next?  Or rather where? Is next? Ha. We have a list. We banged out a heavy duty pro cons list of each of the choices we might reside.  We put in order what new home would match our priorities. And yet if I'm being honest OUR #1 choice isn't MY #1 (which is OUR #2) choice, but then mine could very well be just as lovely staying a fantasy as apposed to the possibility crashing & burning if it were to become the actual #1 and we moved there only to find out we hated it. Did that make sense? Ok ok I'll say it i want to go to Hawaii! It's gorgeous there,  we'd know people, it would be the only opportunity we'd get to move there (bc its on the navy's dime). But with beauty and paradise comes sacrifice and risk not worth the reward. So much would change for him, it would be so unfair. He would be home a lot less and if bad weather came knockin, we'd be screwed. In the mean time months pass and we're here already on our own island because we don't know a soul here. 4 months in this home with 4 left to go here and I have no contacts. no family. I don't even know anyone for several hundred (maybe more) miles.  If something were to happen here and I needed support I'd have to dig out my extra strength big girl panties and deal. Though honestly I highly doubt that anything would happen. Still having no buddy up the road or pal to shop or go to the park with it stinks. It takes it's toll. Adult friendships are hard to build. Everyone has walls up and the ones who don't are probably too young or the ones that do may just be too far complicated to mess with. I spoke with my therapist trying to convince her *ahem and myself* that I needed no one here.  That as a child I flourished beautifully on my own.  I recall endless hours alone. At a time my sister and I weren't even close to friendly, a lot of my companions were imaginary or I just stuck my nose in a book to live some one else's life. I promise you I'm not attempting to sound pitiful here, it's just the truth.  My stuff, my toys, my mess, my bed, the jumbled hangers in my closet the collection of rocks in a box under a mess of barbies or the tower of participation trophies crammed into a pile up in the corner all of it was something else in my imagination. Honestly I couldn't tell you what my games were, who I was pretending to be or what story I played was or what was my favorite was if I even had a favorite.  I just enjoyed being myself and I could just as easily enjoy the company of others. It just seems i always got into to trouble, often saying stuff wrong and upsetting people or saying things & sounding a way I didn't mean to.  It was easier playing alone.  It was a breeze.  As an adult I suppose I could entertain myself.  I mean I do, it's just once you've discovered you can find a true friend, one who hears you, respects you,  trusts you, that you also respect and hear,  it's difficult to not crave that in your day to day life and long distance is good but in person is always better simply because time is one of our greatest gifts to one another. Especially time in person.  I'm rambling.  I miss my friend.  I have none here in my new home and I can't settle on trying to reach out while we're here or just wait it out.  Stick my nose in some books,  rally the imagination and artistic wanna be side of me to just mind my time until we go to (insert new hone here).  Limbo.