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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Blehk day, to you I bid goodnight

You know that sour feeling you get in your stomach when you're worrying too much or you're nervous,  or maybe just fed up with the day? Then you think about it and it's like the sourness just flips over filling your tummy again &again. As I lay here in bed,  having been here since just after 7, I keep having that same sickening sour sloshing, hitting me wave after wave.

It's been a not so great day.  It wasn't awful.  It wasn't life threatening or devastating. It was just not sunshine and roses.  Literally.  It was a chilly cloudy day ;)

It was a late work day. Hubby was home 3 hrs after normal hours.  I don't have the right to complain. We've had it easy the first four months of the year. But what's worse is gettinga text saying hubby failed his bigbig test today. Knowing he'd come home stone faced and filled to the brim with stress.

Unfortunately our reality is a pay check to paycheck budget that we scrape by on just barely. Yesterday's financial anxieties finally caught up to me this morning as I desperately phoned around trying to manage what I could where I could.  We got a bill in the mail for my ER visits over $1200 bucks duev the 23rd of *this* month. Barf. Then as I was just appreciating the investment of a purchase we made last year -our large portable ac unit, it starts making "I'm about to explode" noises.  Bam 300 precious dollars down the drain. And because I didn't claim it 75 days after the move you know during the northeast ' s back to back historically snowy Freeezing snow storms, I cannot claim for full value nor will we be able to get even close. Maybe 20 bucks. Our if I'm being hopeful say $35. Which won't even buy a crummy window unit. Unless it's used? We truly suck at budgeting anyways.  But I feel like our bills are minimal & we just can't juggle it.  So this is the last day before pay day and can I say we definitely feel it. It stinks. And forget about savings right now.  We have about $1.15 in savings all together right now.  Laughable. But it is what it is.  You know! ?

CQ was throwing tantrums left, right, up, down, sideways, upside down, backwards, frontwards, and a little upright. On a normal day two or three short "sprints" of these tantrums is tolerable. Today was not normal.  It sucked. Nothing made her happy. Outside? Nope. Crayons? Nope. Pool play? Nope. Sensory time? Nope. Cuddles & nursing? Absolutely positively not. All her favorite things just amplified her anger and crying and screeching at the top of her lungs.  Her poor purple face looked so unfixable. I just had to keep holding her, putting her gently on the ground when she'd arch her back and fling herself around too dangerous for me to hold her. Only to pick her right back up and try to cling to her and calm her, sing to her,  hush hush her.  It was all no use.  She just had to have her fit and calm herself down. And finally, after what felt like an hour, she did. And then we cuddled, nursed, and giggled at the silly games we play. Thank heaven for those sweet moments.  Earlier in the day she had squeezed all of her food out onto the ground, rocking chair and electrical cords beside the couch. In her fit and my attempt to calm her tiny plastic perler beads were strewn about the living room. She threw a water bottle at me, hit her own head, screamed at the top of her lungs during every diaper change. Smashed her little fingers in the door. Nearly broke a glass, tried to lock me out of the house and yelled at me when I forced my way in, slammed her head into the corner by the stairs, and refused to eat breakfast. But noneof those were awful.  It wadthe all day of tantrums.  Seriously though She's not all bad.  She's my little tooty butt and I love her so so much!  Today was just not her day.

Hubby came home (late) and I didn't have one productive thing done.  No dinner prepared. The house was a mess, the dog was wired, we were upstairs for CQs bathtime so she was yelling every few seconds because she thought I was going to steal her bath toy. Nothing looked done. For all he knew i napped all day and farted rainbows and sunshine and sipped cucumber water while fairies brushed my hair.

As we wrapped up the night I surveyed the battle grounds and really soaked in what an awful job of "mom" I've done lately.  Lazy. unmotivated. Messy. Impatient. DISORGANIZED. Used well wrapped up Diapers on the floor where I had to slide them across the ground to hurriedly finish the diaper change while I was screamed at because clearly fresh bottom is a form of torture. Toy grenades gone off every whichway, remnants within a foot of one another. The towel I used to wipe up the food squeeze situation still laying where I left it. So much left half way done. I wouldn't blame DH if he was feeling stressed out. And i didn't have any "give a care" left in me.

I popped my sleepy night time pills to knock me out early and here I am wrestling with my anxious thoughts, & my fidgety legs, trying to soothe myself. He also came to bed early and has been snoozing at least two hours. I wish I had that ability!

Tomorrow is another day *sigh*  everything will be ok one way or another.

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