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Friday, April 24, 2015

Here in Limbo city

Hello. it has been quite some time since I last visited the ole blog center.  Who reads this rambling sack of nonsense anyhow?  HA! Well here we are my husband has now been in the Navy a good 4 and a half years. We've now moved away from home, family and friends, pretty much across country (south to north), got two sweet adorable Dorkie pups, moved across country again(east to west), had a baby, celebrated her first birthday, moved across country again (W to E) and in the process left a dog in Tennessee (due to unsteady temperament, don't worry he's with family and so spoiled), And we're here in the first station we'd left home for all those years ago. Somewhere in that time masses of weight came and went came and went and most has settled in to keep us warm. Haha ok to keep ME warm!  I had no appetite my whole pregnancy therefore breastfeeding and gaining desire to eat again were a dangerous and pitiful combination for me!  Somewhere deep in the wedges of memories being made and babies being born, it seems my twenties leaked right on out. Some of that hot headed rebellion scraped off, and the bouncy excitement over things as miniscule as a morning cup of coffee has dribbled down & furled into a sweet morning snuggling filled with nursing and wake up kisses. Our Red hot shiny Charger dismissed from her proud duties and in her stead a black stallion family sized Durango has filled in.  Many pieces of art have left my hands and heart and entered the homes of strangers and family and friends in my attempt to find my purpose, and regain some sense of financial standing of my own (even if it is only a teeeeny tiny bit haha). I do love to paint and create things even out of the challenges I find myself struggling so hard to resonate with.  I only wish my talent matched the joy it brings me to create these canvases. Back to the subject. Limbo.  This my friends is where we have no idea where we are headed. What's next?  Or rather where? Is next? Ha. We have a list. We banged out a heavy duty pro cons list of each of the choices we might reside.  We put in order what new home would match our priorities. And yet if I'm being honest OUR #1 choice isn't MY #1 (which is OUR #2) choice, but then mine could very well be just as lovely staying a fantasy as apposed to the possibility crashing & burning if it were to become the actual #1 and we moved there only to find out we hated it. Did that make sense? Ok ok I'll say it i want to go to Hawaii! It's gorgeous there,  we'd know people, it would be the only opportunity we'd get to move there (bc its on the navy's dime). But with beauty and paradise comes sacrifice and risk not worth the reward. So much would change for him, it would be so unfair. He would be home a lot less and if bad weather came knockin, we'd be screwed. In the mean time months pass and we're here already on our own island because we don't know a soul here. 4 months in this home with 4 left to go here and I have no contacts. no family. I don't even know anyone for several hundred (maybe more) miles.  If something were to happen here and I needed support I'd have to dig out my extra strength big girl panties and deal. Though honestly I highly doubt that anything would happen. Still having no buddy up the road or pal to shop or go to the park with it stinks. It takes it's toll. Adult friendships are hard to build. Everyone has walls up and the ones who don't are probably too young or the ones that do may just be too far complicated to mess with. I spoke with my therapist trying to convince her *ahem and myself* that I needed no one here.  That as a child I flourished beautifully on my own.  I recall endless hours alone. At a time my sister and I weren't even close to friendly, a lot of my companions were imaginary or I just stuck my nose in a book to live some one else's life. I promise you I'm not attempting to sound pitiful here, it's just the truth.  My stuff, my toys, my mess, my bed, the jumbled hangers in my closet the collection of rocks in a box under a mess of barbies or the tower of participation trophies crammed into a pile up in the corner all of it was something else in my imagination. Honestly I couldn't tell you what my games were, who I was pretending to be or what story I played was or what was my favorite was if I even had a favorite.  I just enjoyed being myself and I could just as easily enjoy the company of others. It just seems i always got into to trouble, often saying stuff wrong and upsetting people or saying things & sounding a way I didn't mean to.  It was easier playing alone.  It was a breeze.  As an adult I suppose I could entertain myself.  I mean I do, it's just once you've discovered you can find a true friend, one who hears you, respects you,  trusts you, that you also respect and hear,  it's difficult to not crave that in your day to day life and long distance is good but in person is always better simply because time is one of our greatest gifts to one another. Especially time in person.  I'm rambling.  I miss my friend.  I have none here in my new home and I can't settle on trying to reach out while we're here or just wait it out.  Stick my nose in some books,  rally the imagination and artistic wanna be side of me to just mind my time until we go to (insert new hone here).  Limbo.